There’s a quiet assumption built into how we treat divorce, one shared by therapists and lawyers alike. Once the papers are filed, the thinking goes, the question of whether to divorce has already been settled. What remains is simply helping two people end a marriage as constructively as possible.
The research doesn’t support that assumption. A meaningful number of people who have entered the legal process are still, in some part of themselves, uncertain their marriage has to end.
The first empirical look at this came from Doherty, Peterson, and Willoughby (2011), who surveyed 2,484 divorcing parents. Roughly a quarter of them believed their marriage could still be saved. Close to a third expressed interest in reconciliation services, despite having already filed.
Hawkins, Willoughby, and Doherty (2012) replicated the study and found nearly identical numbers: 26% still believed the marriage was salvageable, and 33% wanted help exploring reconciliation.
A third study, Doherty, Harris, and Wilde (in press), asked a more specific question of 624 parents who had filed for divorce: were they certain they wanted it? Only two-thirds said yes. The remaining third were ambivalent or didn’t want the divorce at all, and this group showed strong interest in support aimed at saving the marriage.
It’s worth noting that all three studies drew on people already well into the divorce process. Unpublished data from clients in their initial consultation with a divorce attorney tells a starker story: only half were certain about moving forward. The other half carried some measure of doubt or outright reluctance.
The pattern holds even after divorce is finalized. Surveys summarized by Hawkins and Fackrell (2009) found that about half of divorced individuals wished they had worked harder to save their marriages. Hetherington and Kelly (2002) found that a year after separating, at least one partner in 75% of divorced couples reported regret over the decision.
Knox and Corte’s (2007) qualitative work on separated spouses found something similar: a re-evaluation striking enough that many separated individuals would counsel others considering separation to reconsider and attempt reconciliation instead.
Taken together, this body of research points to something worth sitting with. Divorce ambivalence isn’t rare, and it isn’t resolved simply because the legal process has begun. For a meaningful portion of people walking through it, the question of whether the marriage has to end is still, quietly, open.